They came back....

I came home today and saw this little book on the dining table. The title read 'Is there a creator?' My interest piqued instantly. The last time I saw something of that sort, Jehovah's witnesses had just visited my house. They had asked me if I believed in God. I told them I didn't know, which was a perfectly honest answer because I really didn't. That probably made their 'convert radar' blink really hard, but I didn't want to talk religion at that point in time. (I was standing on my porch sweeping the floor) So they gave me two booklets as food for thought and said they would be back. I never thought they would come back, but they did. Some people came by today and asked for a Mr. Siew. My mum told them that Mr. Siew is in Indonesia, which is true. How would my mum know that they were looking for me? They left this new booklet and left.

The last book was about maintaining a happy marriage. Yawn. Give that to me in about 15 years and I might actually read it. Read it now? Never mind. But this new book is interesting enough. I looked through it and didn't really like it. I have not written off creationism, but neither have I concluded that evolution is nonsense. To be honest, I do lean rather heavily towards evolution, but I am open to new ideas. I will not, however pick one side just because it can dig up lots of dirt about the theories that the other side has. Disproving a rival does not prove you right.

I have to admit, I am sorely tempted to start quoting from the booklet and giving my two cents about how some of the logic used is a little dodgy. But I won't. I will however look a little at my own views.

What exactly do I believe? I don't think I believe either side. I'm a fence sitter, waiting for one side to come up with enough evidence to pull me over. The question of where we come from is not quite important enough to me. One line in that book links quite strongly with my previous post about the point to life. It stated that if evolution was true, then there would be no meaning to life. I'd say that much is true. To evolution, we are a coincidence. Life just so happened to appear on our planet and life's only purpose would be the continuation of life. That is what I used the believe. I'm not too sure about that anymore.

As of now, I don't have the answers, so I won't form a belief. It sounds really cowardly, but in this case, I would rather be wishy washy. The last thing I want is to believe in something and then seek to prove it while categorically ignoring all evidence that points otherwise. Human beings have a tendency to do that. It is exactly that tendency that makes being a scientist so very difficult. If you start an experiment with certain results in mind, and look for those results, you are likely to find them. It doesn't prove a theory right, however. Bias is difficult to eliminate.
Thank God I'm not an evolutionary biologist.

Which is it?

The involuntary visits to the stone etchings,
The peals of laughter that echo the caves,
The wafting smells that emerge from hither.
The searing flame that burns inside.

The minutes and hours in contemplation,
The tortured writhing in the middle of the night,
The unlikely fantasies that play in dreams,
The time spent under a blanket, eyes closed but not asleep.

Where do they come from?
The source is unknown and can never be found,
Is it the idea or object that brings forth the trouble?
Is it the concept or prototype that needles the mind?

They say the trickling sand will work its wonders,
That the cycle of hands will mend it all,
But it hasn’t and for good reason,
The missing chapters leave the story untold.

An Eternal Question.

Why am I here? Funny question, really, one that I think about every now and then when I really need a distraction. Or when the need for it comes. My ready answer to this was generally quite pessimistic. There is no reason. I am here because my mum and dad decided that children might be a good idea. So here I am. I can't think of any other reason without delving into the realm of spirituality, which I will not do. This post would be completely pointless if I did that, since I'd have the answers already.

I suppose that question has a very close link to yet another question. What is my purpose in life? Is there a purpose to my life? At some point, I thought of myself as just another parasite on this planet, taking up resources and generally making a mess. But I came to realize that if I kept thinking that way, then I'd really see no point in having life on this planet to begin with. Because if I take the questioning further, I'd start asking if there was a point to life, and I think I'd reach the same conclusion. There is no point to life.

I started asking myself where I get these ideas from and I discovered one thing. There was only one parameter that I worked with in answering these questions. What is the impact that I (or any other variable) would have? Trying to find the point to my existence by seeking my significance to the world can only lead to one thing - The conclusion that in the end, there is no point to anything because you can keep zooming out further and further until the impact became so small, that its negligible. To my family, I am significant. To my friends, less so. To this country, even less. To the world, I might as well not exist. I can't begin to describe how insignificant I would be if you took it to the edge of the universe and looked at me from there. Our solar system is pointless in the eyes of the universe, if you use my analysis. (So is our galaxy for that matter.)

Which led me to wonder if my model is flawed. Or rather, is it something that I want to live by? I don't want the only reason for my continued survival on this world to be the fact that I am too scared to kill myself. With so many people out there with a zest for life, I'd be terribly narcissistic to write them all off as ignorant idiots who don't see the insignificance of their existence.

To change my opinion on something like that is not easy. Its like finding out that you have cancer and then trying to go back to a time when you didn't know. I don't have an alternative answer to that question, and until I do, this twisted view will persist. No one will ever be able to answer that for me. I suppose I'll just have to keep walking until I find that reason.

Nasty Politics.

Bladewing was always going on and on about racial politics. Justice was important to him, and so he saw it fit to scream and kick when he saw an imbalance. Admittedly, his view of the situation was decidedly narrow. He eventually decided that imbalances happen all over the world, and just ranting in frustration isn't going to significantly change anything. (Yes, I know it sounds defeatist, but I decided that there are more mature ways of dealing with his frustrations.)

This blog has been largely devoid of political content. I just didn't feel that it was worth it putting what I thought into this space. All the racist comments that get published in the local dailies were noted, quietly insulted and allowed to pass. Sometimes I talked about it over lunch, but thats as far as I went.

But now I actually find myself being threatened. Racist comments from the recent political gathering has been defended as harmless rethoric. I quote "Reaksi orang Melayu panas tapi terkawal. Panas tak terbakar, Marah tak berkelahi".

Oh really? So all that kissing of the keris and the expectation to use the curved dagger is all harmless pomp as well? Somehow I am skeptical. The party in mention has always been portraying itself as the champion of the moderate Malay. So far, it seems like all they want to do is to gut everyone else who question their "constitutionally enshrined special rights". I feel vulnerable and insecure. Can I be blamed for feeling that way?

When threatened, there are two things that people do. Fight or flight. As of now, the latter seems like the better idea. And its happening already. As this prime minister gives way, as he eventually will, the edoxus will accelerate, and the Malaysia as I love will cease to exist.

Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Time will tell, but to be honest, I think I'm going to get ready while I wait.

The obsession.

The ironies of life are really quite cruel,
They singe at the soul, and yet remain darkly humourous,
To observe the parallels running in two different lives,
To see and do nothing, for none can be done.

The obsessions run deep, that is plain to see,
Both appear to function, but the signs are everywhere,
A single minded bug that refuses to let go,
In speech, in writing, in choice in life, it manifests.

I knew of my parasite for it is hard to ignore,
But to see it there as well, it’s the funniest thing,
The upturned lip was the first reaction,
What it meant is still rather a mystery.

It could have been an appreciation for twisted divine humour,
Or it could have been hurt, hiding behind a silly façade,
It might have been sadism, for misery loves company,
Or maybe meek surrender to a hopeless cause.

Whatever it was, it needed release,
Hence this prose, this mangled piece of writing,
Hope burns eternal, but I wish it would snuff out,
For your sake and mine, the embers must die.

The Olive Branch

The outposts are new, the timber freshly cut,
Supply wagons arrive still,
Weapons and food, nothing but,
Watchful eyes scan the horizon,
Patrols in armoured skirts walk the hills.

The visit to the Nile yielded nought,
Experated, he returned home,
A war he did not want,
But a war is here, whether he liked it or not.

He had no regrets, no desire to undo,
No change in action would change the reaction,
As much as he regrets being drawn into war,
His conscience is clear, from God he did not fear.

Though antagonized, he will stay his ground,
No javelins have been thrown, no sword yet swung,
And should by miracle, a chance should come,
The olive branch shall be offered, no questions asked.

Photo from a taxi.

I was horsing around with the camera in Jakarta when I took this picture of children begging on the streets. They hang around traffic lights and when it turns red, they go make their rounds. Its actually one of the few times I went around Indonesia in a sedan and not a giant 4X4 jeep, so the children can actually reach the window. Taken during the Hari Raya period too.

And I thought I would fail.

Seriously, I thought I was going to fail Mechanics of Materials. I could barely answer half the paper, and needed the ones I did answer to be free of silly mistakes to pass. That was according to my calculations. But being hopeless in Math as I am, I completely miscalculated. I passed. With a nice grade to boot.

To give you an idea on how convinced I was that I was going to fail, I only had to say this. I knew I had a trip to Indonesia coming up. Land of the Hocus Pocus. I actually considered going to a witchdoctor in Indonesia to make myself pass. Yes, secular old me wanted to use black magic to pass a test. I eventually came to my senses, but I really was scared. (I look back at that time now and I laugh) I was thinking of all the consequences already, having to repeat the subject in the 1st sem next year. 6 subjects in Delta first sem is just not a prospect I relished. Supplementary papers are pretty pointless in Mechanical Engineering subjects. They make sure no one passes. I wouldn't have passed it even if it was a fairly set supp paper anyway. I knew very little about Mechanics of Materials. (Through no fault of my own....... Okay, maybe I was at fault a little, but the lecturer is still bad.) At one point, I think I became resigned to a fate of suffering through a heavy workload next year. I told myself that it wouldn't be too bad.

To make matters worse, engineering results came out a day late. As if the suspense wasn't bad enough, we had people telling us they had their results only to be completely frustrated that we can't see ours.

Well, I passed and thats the important bit. I'm not going to describe my reaction after I got my results. Its quite embarassing really.