My brain won't stop processing. I'm dead tired, but my head keeps popping thought after thought. Just a few hours ago, I felt the most alive that I have been in a really long time. Maybe the high hasn't died down, or maybe its the thought of Chelsea not winning the bloody premier league title. But I can't sleep. And thats weird for me. That hasn't happened in a long, long time.
I just feel like screaming now. I can't even think properly. I'm not sure if I'm making any sense now. But I'm still thinking. God dammit. I think I feel another identity crisis coming along, and I'm not looking forward to it. Bloody hell. I hate making up my mind. I hate making decisions with any form of finality to it. But I hate being in limbo even more.
Piss.
God damn it.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Its a freakin miracle.
I dunno how it happened, but it did. 4 hours of drilling, screwing and bolt tightening led to the creation of a functional garage door for the Micro-P project that we have to do.
Why is it amazing? Well, because we hardly used the bloody ruler. Which is fucked up when you think about it. Everything was done by visual estimation. And it actually turned out alright.
I was so certain that something was going to go horribly and unrepairably wrong, but it didn't. Whatever little problems we faced, we dealt with fairly easily.
And the bloody contraption was built the very same way I write my essays. I have a general idea about what I want to say, but I never actually plan the whole thing out. I improvise along the way. Except that planning everything on paper is standard procedure for an engineering design process. Obviously, we can't plan for everything, but a certain amount of forethought is normally given. What we did was to come up with a new idea whenever we saw a problem. A problem that would have been avoidable if we had just given it a bit more thought.
Anyway, the thing works fine, so I'm happy. The gears actually meshed, and thats a real relief.
Why is it amazing? Well, because we hardly used the bloody ruler. Which is fucked up when you think about it. Everything was done by visual estimation. And it actually turned out alright.
I was so certain that something was going to go horribly and unrepairably wrong, but it didn't. Whatever little problems we faced, we dealt with fairly easily.
And the bloody contraption was built the very same way I write my essays. I have a general idea about what I want to say, but I never actually plan the whole thing out. I improvise along the way. Except that planning everything on paper is standard procedure for an engineering design process. Obviously, we can't plan for everything, but a certain amount of forethought is normally given. What we did was to come up with a new idea whenever we saw a problem. A problem that would have been avoidable if we had just given it a bit more thought.
Anyway, the thing works fine, so I'm happy. The gears actually meshed, and thats a real relief.
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Little green book.
Heh. I found it. I thought I had lost it forever and for a while, I felt a bit annoyed at myself. But then again, I'm not the type who dwells in nostalgia. So I shrugged the loss off. My reliance on sheer neuron power for such tasks will probably take a toll in the future, especially when I'm required to reproduce parts of my life and I have no artifacts to jog the memory or to prove anything I say. But thats a worry for when I'm 60.
Anyways, I found the book. When I first started writing it, I told myself that I'd probably look back at the stuff I wrote and laugh. I was right. Partially. If that book had remained lost for a longer time, and then showed itself, say 5 years from now, my assumption would probably be true. But I guess looking at it now could only result in me smiling a crooked smile and feigning indifference, even if I have no audience. Fooling one's self is a complicated process, and if I can't even fool those around me, then there is no point even trying.
Burning the book is an interesting option, though one that I would probably regret at some point. Plus, its Earth day. No point in any unnecessary burning.
So it remains on the shelf. There is a half-hearted attempt at preventing trespassing, in the form of a written warning on the inside of the cover. That warning is pretty pointless now. The stuff in there will probably make anyone puke after reading 3 lines anyway.
Anyways, I found the book. When I first started writing it, I told myself that I'd probably look back at the stuff I wrote and laugh. I was right. Partially. If that book had remained lost for a longer time, and then showed itself, say 5 years from now, my assumption would probably be true. But I guess looking at it now could only result in me smiling a crooked smile and feigning indifference, even if I have no audience. Fooling one's self is a complicated process, and if I can't even fool those around me, then there is no point even trying.
Burning the book is an interesting option, though one that I would probably regret at some point. Plus, its Earth day. No point in any unnecessary burning.
So it remains on the shelf. There is a half-hearted attempt at preventing trespassing, in the form of a written warning on the inside of the cover. That warning is pretty pointless now. The stuff in there will probably make anyone puke after reading 3 lines anyway.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Feminists, may I introduce you to your worst nightmare.
Post deleted due to its potentially contraversial nature. If you really are interested, please contact the blogmaster.
How male or female are you?
Pretty stupid question eh? Male is male, female is female. Even in the mind. Gender differences in the brain are pretty well documented, and while not always true, provide a pretty good basis on which we can make assumptions. But then guys can have female brains, and girls can have male ones. (Oh, I've seen them. Makes very good thought fodder).
So, I was mucking about on BBC when I saw this test to tell you just how male or female you are. I normally don't do these tests, and even if I did do them, I'd be too embarrassed to admit that I did them. But this is BBC. It had to be somewhat credible.
The test itself took something like 20 mins to complete. And I learned that I have a very much male oriented brain. Slightly above average spatial ability, full marks for rotating 3D objects in space, but hopeless with finding words (a bit of a surprise there) and utterly useless when it comes to empathy (fit right into the stereotype).
But the one big surprise was the eye emotion matching test. I scored 9 out of 10. Thats a good deal further away from the average female (who is supposed to be good at this). I can tell what a person is feeling just by reading the eyes.
Seeing these results makes me think that I have the faculties to show empathy. I just don't do it. All this while, I thought I was just mentally handicapped in that area. I wasn't particularly ashamed about being cold and uninvolved. It was just who I was. Sometimes I got to thinking about whether or not caring for others is part of humanity but with examples of perfectly respectable people being just as cold (my own paternal grandmother and Kimi Raikkonen to name two), that problem didn't bother me all that much. I've sometimes wondered if having the principal of one of the most successful private schools in the country as a role model has turned me into what I am. It probably has, but to what extent, I don't know.
As things stand, life seems to be screaming to me that whatever I am right now just will not do. Its telling me "Sure, you'll survive, but you're not going to be happy with mere survival now are you?". Its a raging debate, one that status quo is having a fairly comfortable time with. The only problem now is, there is no end to this, and it doesn't look like the reformists are letting the case go that easily.
So, I was mucking about on BBC when I saw this test to tell you just how male or female you are. I normally don't do these tests, and even if I did do them, I'd be too embarrassed to admit that I did them. But this is BBC. It had to be somewhat credible.
The test itself took something like 20 mins to complete. And I learned that I have a very much male oriented brain. Slightly above average spatial ability, full marks for rotating 3D objects in space, but hopeless with finding words (a bit of a surprise there) and utterly useless when it comes to empathy (fit right into the stereotype).
But the one big surprise was the eye emotion matching test. I scored 9 out of 10. Thats a good deal further away from the average female (who is supposed to be good at this). I can tell what a person is feeling just by reading the eyes.
Seeing these results makes me think that I have the faculties to show empathy. I just don't do it. All this while, I thought I was just mentally handicapped in that area. I wasn't particularly ashamed about being cold and uninvolved. It was just who I was. Sometimes I got to thinking about whether or not caring for others is part of humanity but with examples of perfectly respectable people being just as cold (my own paternal grandmother and Kimi Raikkonen to name two), that problem didn't bother me all that much. I've sometimes wondered if having the principal of one of the most successful private schools in the country as a role model has turned me into what I am. It probably has, but to what extent, I don't know.
As things stand, life seems to be screaming to me that whatever I am right now just will not do. Its telling me "Sure, you'll survive, but you're not going to be happy with mere survival now are you?". Its a raging debate, one that status quo is having a fairly comfortable time with. The only problem now is, there is no end to this, and it doesn't look like the reformists are letting the case go that easily.
Monday, April 09, 2007
Nothing to write about.
Seriously, I can't really find anything that I would be bothered to put on this blog anymore. Heck, I can't even remember the blog post I made. Not to say that nothing happened during my one month hiatus, just nothing worth reporting.
I suppose now that I actually find myself before a computer with the option to post open to me, I'll mention a few things. First up, stress. Assignments galore, and ones that matter too. Not the usual engineering 'here, do this question' token assignments that I normally get. Actual meaty assignments that cannot be copied and must be worked on. Still on the topic of stress, mid-terms. They suck, and getting one a week is annoying. The barrage has stopped, thankfully. (Which is why I am typing this in the first place.)
Now, F1 in Melaka. And Command and Conquer 3. Fun. Nuff said.
Actually, this is like proof that I don't need to write. Writing is not my release. Never really has been. Talking is more of my thing actually, and I think I tend to talk even when no one really cares about what I am saying. I recently had this strange idea about the differences between the 'emo' people and the 'calm' people. Its badly undeveloped and probably already well researched by proper scientists. Then I had this idea about reclassifying marriages since there are so many kinds and so many purposes that go with marriage. (While we are at it, might as well create a distinction in the English language between the many kinds of love that people feel). I guess in the past, those things might have been considered blog material worthy. Not anymore.
Loss of identity, life changing experiences. I suppose those are the only things that will actually make time to blog about. Which brings me to the question of whether or not its loss of identity that caused this indifference to writing. Or am I just indifferent, period?
I suppose now that I actually find myself before a computer with the option to post open to me, I'll mention a few things. First up, stress. Assignments galore, and ones that matter too. Not the usual engineering 'here, do this question' token assignments that I normally get. Actual meaty assignments that cannot be copied and must be worked on. Still on the topic of stress, mid-terms. They suck, and getting one a week is annoying. The barrage has stopped, thankfully. (Which is why I am typing this in the first place.)
Now, F1 in Melaka. And Command and Conquer 3. Fun. Nuff said.
Actually, this is like proof that I don't need to write. Writing is not my release. Never really has been. Talking is more of my thing actually, and I think I tend to talk even when no one really cares about what I am saying. I recently had this strange idea about the differences between the 'emo' people and the 'calm' people. Its badly undeveloped and probably already well researched by proper scientists. Then I had this idea about reclassifying marriages since there are so many kinds and so many purposes that go with marriage. (While we are at it, might as well create a distinction in the English language between the many kinds of love that people feel). I guess in the past, those things might have been considered blog material worthy. Not anymore.
Loss of identity, life changing experiences. I suppose those are the only things that will actually make time to blog about. Which brings me to the question of whether or not its loss of identity that caused this indifference to writing. Or am I just indifferent, period?
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