An Eternal Question.

Why am I here? Funny question, really, one that I think about every now and then when I really need a distraction. Or when the need for it comes. My ready answer to this was generally quite pessimistic. There is no reason. I am here because my mum and dad decided that children might be a good idea. So here I am. I can't think of any other reason without delving into the realm of spirituality, which I will not do. This post would be completely pointless if I did that, since I'd have the answers already.

I suppose that question has a very close link to yet another question. What is my purpose in life? Is there a purpose to my life? At some point, I thought of myself as just another parasite on this planet, taking up resources and generally making a mess. But I came to realize that if I kept thinking that way, then I'd really see no point in having life on this planet to begin with. Because if I take the questioning further, I'd start asking if there was a point to life, and I think I'd reach the same conclusion. There is no point to life.

I started asking myself where I get these ideas from and I discovered one thing. There was only one parameter that I worked with in answering these questions. What is the impact that I (or any other variable) would have? Trying to find the point to my existence by seeking my significance to the world can only lead to one thing - The conclusion that in the end, there is no point to anything because you can keep zooming out further and further until the impact became so small, that its negligible. To my family, I am significant. To my friends, less so. To this country, even less. To the world, I might as well not exist. I can't begin to describe how insignificant I would be if you took it to the edge of the universe and looked at me from there. Our solar system is pointless in the eyes of the universe, if you use my analysis. (So is our galaxy for that matter.)

Which led me to wonder if my model is flawed. Or rather, is it something that I want to live by? I don't want the only reason for my continued survival on this world to be the fact that I am too scared to kill myself. With so many people out there with a zest for life, I'd be terribly narcissistic to write them all off as ignorant idiots who don't see the insignificance of their existence.

To change my opinion on something like that is not easy. Its like finding out that you have cancer and then trying to go back to a time when you didn't know. I don't have an alternative answer to that question, and until I do, this twisted view will persist. No one will ever be able to answer that for me. I suppose I'll just have to keep walking until I find that reason.