Mehness.

Ever feel this strange depression creeping in but not know where it is coming from? This unexplainable feeling of despair for which there is no explanation. I hate that feeling.

I have no idea where it comes from, and I suspect that I'm afraid of identifying the reasons. People love deluding themselves, and as much as I try to tell myself that I can take it, it feels like something wiser than me is holding me back.

Denial of information to myself in the name of self preservation.

I hate the feeling because it debilitates me. I start justifying time spent staring into space doing absolutely nothing. I feel like crap. I have a reason to be lame. Except, I don't. And the knowledge that I don't just makes everything worse.

The feeling of utter helplessness, knowing that there are solutions, but not being brave enough to accept them, always hoping that an easier way will present itself. Fear of change. Fear of being judged. Fear of the unknown.

Its enough to make me want to cry.

I can't delude myself. I can't tell myself to go to sleep, and when I wake up in the morning, all will be well. Because it won't.

And when I start comparing my situation with the worst case scenarios, I know that what I'm going through is nothing. And knowing that makes me want to cry even more.