Why can't things be easier? Why does the obviously right thing to do have to feel so neutral, but the consistently, stupidly dodgy path raise my pulse everytime I think about it? Why did the stakes have to raised? I know I asked them to be raised, but still... Now there is so much to lose, and so much I could regret. I'm good at lying to myself, but I'm not that good.
I know what I need to do. I just need to start feeling what I need to do. But thats the really hard part. I can't make myself feel it. Not now at least. Maybe, if I actually had the opportunity to help it along. Sometimes it feels like the opportunity is always there. Sometimes it seems completely unfeasible, even to the most hardcore impulsive action-taker I know.
Gah!
Message to the universe : I know that you can do a lot worse, but, please, be kind to me... You know the way my mind works. You know that to most other people, it won't even be a problem. But its insanely confusing to me. Stop messing around with my head. I'd really appreciate it.
I wish I didn't have to be so cryptic writing this, but for my continued survival, I think I ought to.
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/pat pat
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