John pressed the buzzer in front of him and cracked his knuckles. He never really liked making house calls, but they paid well, and he needed the money. As much as he tried to control his spending, the cash never really seems to stay in his wallet for very long. Some indulgence will come along, and he would lose all his will to save. And now he was in debt again, for the umpteenth time in his life. All he wanted to do was get the job over with so that he could pay the bloody loan sharks.
He checked inside his coat, making sure that he had all the standard equipment. When he got the call, it sounded like a simple open and shut case. He would walk in, perform his usual hocus pocus and walk away a thousand dollars richer. Not bad for an hours effort. He just wished more of these cases existed.
John didn’t have particularly strong moral principles. He would have cheated his way out of trouble every time if it weren’t for the fact that he was constantly watched over. The irony of the situation was that most people would consider the forces that act as his conscience to be pagan gods that only cared for themselves. Most people considered his practices to be witchcraft and accused him of being an idol worshipper. He didn’t care. They didn’t know what he did, and they couldn’t even begin to understand the rules that he played by.
The door opened. “Ah, Mr. John, you’re here at last.” John raised his eyebrows. This kid hardly looked like someone who needed an exorcism. He was a picture of health, smiling at John as he held the door open. Normally, his clients would greet him with blood-shot eyes and sweat running down their face. They couldn’t walk properly, and sometimes couldn’t even talk properly. John hated those cases. They took him too long to figure out which method to use. “Something is wrong,” John told himself. He couldn’t possibly have the wrong house. The kid had identified him correctly. A trap, maybe? No. The demons he banished didn’t have a grudge against him. He was just doing his job, and they understood that. It was a kind of professional respect, if you will. Never mind his discomfort. He had a job to do.
John stepped into the house and set his briefcase down. “What seems to be the problem here, sir?” he asked.
“You’re an exorcist. What else would I have called you for?”.
“Well, you don’t look like you need my services. It really doesn’t look like anything is wrong at all”
“I don’t look it, but I feel it. I am being haunted.” His client clutched his chest, slightly to the left where his heart was.
“Okay. Can you tell me more about the nature of your visitations?” asked John.
“It normally comes at night, when I’m in bed. My mind tends to drift off into different directions, but I always see her face.”
“Her face? The demon is female then. Is she attractive?”
“Oh, yes. Very. I sometimes think that I’m in love with her”
John scratched his chin and pondered for a moment. A succubus? In this part of the world? There wasn’t quite enough of believers for them to exist in
What most people normally got wrong was the order in which these supernatural things happen. Conventional wisdom was that we believe in them because they exist, when in actual fact, they exist because we believe. People underestimated the power of their own minds. If no one ever though of the demons, they wouldn’t be around at all, but because people felt so strongly about their existence, they subconsciously willed the demons into being. Succubuses were part of Western folklore, and normally only materialized in the Western world. It didn’t make sense that one of them would be haunting his client.
“Let me take a look,” said John. He walked up to his client and placed his hand on the client’s forehead. Closing his eyes, he tried to feel for pulses of supernatural energy that would help him identify the demon in question. But he felt nothing. Frowning, he pushed even harder, straining hard to pick up some clue. Still nothing.
This didn’t make sense. Even the most elusive of demons couldn’t escape detection from him. Could he have met his match?
Then it dawned onto him. Smiling, he took his hand off his client’s forehead. “There is nothing I can do to help you, sir. Your problems have nothing to do with the supernatural or the netherworld. You don’t need an exorcist. You need a shrink.”
“What? What do you mean I need a shrink? I’m not crazy. I’m possessed.”
“Yes. You are quite possessed. But your kind of possession is quite common. In fact, you’re the first person I know who has called an exorcist to deal with the problem. Most people just kill or harm themselves.”
“I don’t follow,” said the client.
John sighed. “That demon that is haunting you. Is she familiar looking?”
“Yes”
“She is very attractive to you and you are in love with her? Is that correct?”
“Pretty much so. What are you getting at?”
“I suspect you know already. You don’t really want this demon to disappear now, do you? You can try to shoo it away all you want, but until you really find that you do not want her around, she is going to be there. Forever haunting you.”
“There is nothing I can do then? I’m doomed to sleepless nights for the rest of my life?”
“Not really. From experience, these hauntings don’t last forever. It takes a while, but it goes away eventually. Just don’t kill yourself. Its pathetic when that happens. I’m not an expert in the field, so I’ll keep my advice to this and only this. Good day to you sir.”
John walked out of the house, half amused at the whole scenario and half annoyed that he couldn’t charge the sorry sod for his counseling.
3 comments:
I nominate this for best self-commentary of the year!
Heh. Well, its just too bad that the people who get it are very few.
Of course they won't get it, if u don't look for something u usually don't find it there.
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