Pissed off with no one to blame. That is not a position you want to be in. If you could blame yourself, at least its easier.
Now I'm going to have to figure out how I'm going to survive the next sem. Because I can't prove to my mum how impossible it would be to coordinate 2 schedules and 1 car. Because the online systems are fucked up. Meaning I can't do my brother's bloody schedule for him. Meaning I can't show my mum how ridiculous life is going to be in the next sem.
And the last thing I needed was a reminder of the life that wasn't. But it came anyway. In the most innocent form too. Geez, God. I have to hand it to you. You sure know how to kick a dude in the nuts while he is on the ground. Your timing couldn't have been better. Really.
Right now, all I want to do is shut the bloody world out and sulk. But I can't. And that is annoying. So I applaud You. I'm sure you could do worse, but this sure was quite impressive.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Saturday, January 06, 2007
The myogenic little fellow.
He was normally encased in a steel box, with a little slit at the side to see the outside. No one sees inside, and he hardly ever looks out. He didn't think it was worth his time.
So life went on that way until one day when he decided to have one of those rare peeks into the outside. It was then that he saw it. The effect was mild, but it was there. But it wasn't the first time such a thing happened, so he ignored it. For a while.
He was considering a course of action when it disappeared. In a blink, it was gone. But it appeared again. And again. But each time, it showed up in the distance. Deciding that there was nothing that could be done, he kept moving. Just as he had been doing for as long as he could remember.
Then it appeared one day, closer than it had ever been before. Slightly surprised, he watched it for a while. It didn't move. So he shuffled closer to it. Still it remained motionless.
Intrigued, he decided to grab it. The lid of the steel casing creaked and groaned as the force from the outreaching tendril pushed against years of rust. His movements were tentative at first, but as he drew closer, his confidence grew.
The tendril touched it gently, and still it did not fly. It hardly even flinched. The lid opened a little further, and then a bit more as he slowly came out of the only home he ever knew.
He drew it close and examined it, wanting to take in every detail. As he explored the surface, he knew that there was much more to it than what he saw, and he resolved to find out.
But it was not to be. Before he knew what was happening, it jumped out of his grasp. It danced about in the air for a while, as if willing him to reach out and grab it. He was about to do that when it suddenly surged forward and planted itself firmly on the lid of the chest. Aided by gravity, the piece of metal came crashing down, sealing the chest, while parts of his body were still outside. His reactions hadn't been fast enough, and the lid caught the aorta, severing it.
He has never known such horror before. He could only watch as his innards came gushing out in a stream. The remaining bit of the aorta that was still attached to him flailed about like a flimsy garden hose. He screamed.
The response was quick enough. Neighbours came quickly and slapped on a clip at the open end, sealing it temporarily. Others cleaned up the mess and tended to the severed tissue.
It would be a while before he would be able to return to duty fully functional, and even if he did, he wouldn't be doing it the same way. But return he will, however long it might take.
So life went on that way until one day when he decided to have one of those rare peeks into the outside. It was then that he saw it. The effect was mild, but it was there. But it wasn't the first time such a thing happened, so he ignored it. For a while.
He was considering a course of action when it disappeared. In a blink, it was gone. But it appeared again. And again. But each time, it showed up in the distance. Deciding that there was nothing that could be done, he kept moving. Just as he had been doing for as long as he could remember.
Then it appeared one day, closer than it had ever been before. Slightly surprised, he watched it for a while. It didn't move. So he shuffled closer to it. Still it remained motionless.
Intrigued, he decided to grab it. The lid of the steel casing creaked and groaned as the force from the outreaching tendril pushed against years of rust. His movements were tentative at first, but as he drew closer, his confidence grew.
The tendril touched it gently, and still it did not fly. It hardly even flinched. The lid opened a little further, and then a bit more as he slowly came out of the only home he ever knew.
He drew it close and examined it, wanting to take in every detail. As he explored the surface, he knew that there was much more to it than what he saw, and he resolved to find out.
But it was not to be. Before he knew what was happening, it jumped out of his grasp. It danced about in the air for a while, as if willing him to reach out and grab it. He was about to do that when it suddenly surged forward and planted itself firmly on the lid of the chest. Aided by gravity, the piece of metal came crashing down, sealing the chest, while parts of his body were still outside. His reactions hadn't been fast enough, and the lid caught the aorta, severing it.
He has never known such horror before. He could only watch as his innards came gushing out in a stream. The remaining bit of the aorta that was still attached to him flailed about like a flimsy garden hose. He screamed.
The response was quick enough. Neighbours came quickly and slapped on a clip at the open end, sealing it temporarily. Others cleaned up the mess and tended to the severed tissue.
It would be a while before he would be able to return to duty fully functional, and even if he did, he wouldn't be doing it the same way. But return he will, however long it might take.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
New Year Resolutions
I didn't make many in the past, and I don't think I have ever kept one. And that isn't about to change. If I reviewed the year 2006, I think it would easily be the most significant year of my life thus far. And I'd also find that if there is one year that I need to make resolutions for, its 2007.
To be honest, I don't know what I want to change. New perspectives show themselves faster than I can digest them. Too often now, opposing sides present themselves as viable options. Sometimes its a case of what I want to do versus what I need to do to get what I want. Sometimes its a case of suppression of a perfectly natural instinct (in my perspective) to ensure things take a more natural course. And sometimes its swallowing my substantial pride to do something that I want. What do I want to do? Where do I want to stand?
I suppose I'll just have to deal with them as they come. One thing is for sure, I must rein in the past.
Happy New Year, people.
To be honest, I don't know what I want to change. New perspectives show themselves faster than I can digest them. Too often now, opposing sides present themselves as viable options. Sometimes its a case of what I want to do versus what I need to do to get what I want. Sometimes its a case of suppression of a perfectly natural instinct (in my perspective) to ensure things take a more natural course. And sometimes its swallowing my substantial pride to do something that I want. What do I want to do? Where do I want to stand?
I suppose I'll just have to deal with them as they come. One thing is for sure, I must rein in the past.
Happy New Year, people.
Monday, December 25, 2006
Bloody floods.
I have never actually experienced floods like this before. It could have been much worse, for for sheltered old me, this is the worst I have ever experienced.
Taken near Pokok Mangga. The fence encloses a restaurant. The entire compound was submerged.
This is the back of my house. TNB reserve land, actually. The papaya trees in the pictures are now half dead from suffocation. There were kids paddling about in an inflatable rubber boat the other day. I don't know whats wrong with them. Not only did the place look like a swamp, it smelt like a swamp. I suppose they don't get to use that boat of theirs very often.
And driving through the flood waters, I actually broke my front number plate. The right bracket gave way and I was driving with the plate half hanging down. Occasionally, it would scratch the road and make funny noises. I really thought that my engine had taken a drink and the sound was the groans of my dying engine until I saw a random stranger point at the front of my car as I drove past. I had to remove the number plate and drive without it for a while. Ended up being half an hour late for class.
Well, the worst is over (at least according to the met. services) but I type this looking out at a cloudy sky and predictions of thunderstorms heading my way. Some holiday season this is turning out to be.
Anyway, as out of place as this might seem, here is to a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Taken near Pokok Mangga. The fence encloses a restaurant. The entire compound was submerged.
This is the back of my house. TNB reserve land, actually. The papaya trees in the pictures are now half dead from suffocation. There were kids paddling about in an inflatable rubber boat the other day. I don't know whats wrong with them. Not only did the place look like a swamp, it smelt like a swamp. I suppose they don't get to use that boat of theirs very often.And driving through the flood waters, I actually broke my front number plate. The right bracket gave way and I was driving with the plate half hanging down. Occasionally, it would scratch the road and make funny noises. I really thought that my engine had taken a drink and the sound was the groans of my dying engine until I saw a random stranger point at the front of my car as I drove past. I had to remove the number plate and drive without it for a while. Ended up being half an hour late for class.
Well, the worst is over (at least according to the met. services) but I type this looking out at a cloudy sky and predictions of thunderstorms heading my way. Some holiday season this is turning out to be.
Anyway, as out of place as this might seem, here is to a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Understanding...
If I had it my way, this post would be 'bitch, scream, kick, etc'. But I cannot have my way, so I'll take the next best thing.
For some reason, I find this almost unnatural need to want to understand certain things. In the past, when school was much easier, I always made sure I understood whatever it was that I was learning. In university, I cannot be bothered anymore, partly because there is no one to explain it to me, and I don't have to patience to research it on my own and partly because I have tried it before a few times with very discouraging results.
But there are things that can be explained. Things that I cannot understand but can be made to understand easily. But for some reason of another, the explanations are denied to me, either as an act of malice or of cowardice. Or it could be just plain old apathy, which to me is just as bad as malice, because the end result is pretty much the same.
Maybe I'm just old-fashioned in thinking that in civilized society, we have a right to answers. Maybe the desire to leave no room for doubt is just too Utopian and cannot be achieved for the simple reason that some people either refuse to face the facts or can't be bothered to figure out what the facts are. Its quite amazing that it is these same people who say that communication is all important. Maybe to them communication with certain parties is important, but the rest of the people can grapple in the dark all they want. It doesn't matter to them.
I'd like to think of this refusal to clarify as some form of difference or opinion. Just like how different people have different ideas on when flirting starts becoming sexual misconduct, I wish that this can be one of the issues that we can all agree to disagree on. But the idea of not actually offering and seeking closure is just something that I find much too alien to accept.
I would write on, but I think I've written too much already. Too much for my own good anyway.
For some reason, I find this almost unnatural need to want to understand certain things. In the past, when school was much easier, I always made sure I understood whatever it was that I was learning. In university, I cannot be bothered anymore, partly because there is no one to explain it to me, and I don't have to patience to research it on my own and partly because I have tried it before a few times with very discouraging results.
But there are things that can be explained. Things that I cannot understand but can be made to understand easily. But for some reason of another, the explanations are denied to me, either as an act of malice or of cowardice. Or it could be just plain old apathy, which to me is just as bad as malice, because the end result is pretty much the same.
Maybe I'm just old-fashioned in thinking that in civilized society, we have a right to answers. Maybe the desire to leave no room for doubt is just too Utopian and cannot be achieved for the simple reason that some people either refuse to face the facts or can't be bothered to figure out what the facts are. Its quite amazing that it is these same people who say that communication is all important. Maybe to them communication with certain parties is important, but the rest of the people can grapple in the dark all they want. It doesn't matter to them.
I'd like to think of this refusal to clarify as some form of difference or opinion. Just like how different people have different ideas on when flirting starts becoming sexual misconduct, I wish that this can be one of the issues that we can all agree to disagree on. But the idea of not actually offering and seeking closure is just something that I find much too alien to accept.
I would write on, but I think I've written too much already. Too much for my own good anyway.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
The Exorcism of Emily Rose.
I know. I am lame. It took me this long to watch the movie, but I finally did.
I was told that the movie was boring. Was it? No. I liked the movie. Quite a lot actually. For the most part, the movie was like a debate of the 'separation of church and state" issues. Prosecution was arguing based on medicine, the defendants on mysticism. In the movie, the demons are real, making the witch-doctor explanations valid. But it was a court of law, making a decision based on
hocus pocus quite of the question. In that respect, I have no doubts about where I stand. I cannot accept otherwordly explanations being allowed to stand in court. Hopefully I never see a day that a bomoh becomes an expert witness on the stand.
But there was another issue in the movie that I found interesting. I've thought about it a long time ago, but since the movie brought it up, I'll take a look at it.
Should a guilty man who had perfectly good intentions or an alternate explanation to his actions (which cannot be admitted in court) be held responsible for his crimes? The priest had only the best intentions. And his story is as believable as it is real. But none of the jury can write 'not guilty' without insulting the judiciary. A similar case can be found in John Grisham's 'A Time to Kill'. A man whose daughter was brutally raped, attacked the rapists (who were good for nothing scum of society) with a M-16 and killed them. Do we blame him? To let him go would mean being inconsistent, leaving room for future 'abuse' of the system, but many a jury would be tempted to let him get on with his life. Of course in those stories, humanity triumphs and both the convicted people get away.
Question is, can this be allowed to happen? If it happens enough times, we cannot expect people to take the law seriously anymore, now can we? People will start asking 'what justice?'
I still think that the law is the most convenient form of conflict resolution that we have, even if there might be little problems here and there. I don't find 'lawyers go to hell' jokes all that funny. I suppose its a case of 'it might not be perfect, but if we didn't have it, we're all screwed'
I was told that the movie was boring. Was it? No. I liked the movie. Quite a lot actually. For the most part, the movie was like a debate of the 'separation of church and state" issues. Prosecution was arguing based on medicine, the defendants on mysticism. In the movie, the demons are real, making the witch-doctor explanations valid. But it was a court of law, making a decision based on
hocus pocus quite of the question. In that respect, I have no doubts about where I stand. I cannot accept otherwordly explanations being allowed to stand in court. Hopefully I never see a day that a bomoh becomes an expert witness on the stand.
But there was another issue in the movie that I found interesting. I've thought about it a long time ago, but since the movie brought it up, I'll take a look at it.
Should a guilty man who had perfectly good intentions or an alternate explanation to his actions (which cannot be admitted in court) be held responsible for his crimes? The priest had only the best intentions. And his story is as believable as it is real. But none of the jury can write 'not guilty' without insulting the judiciary. A similar case can be found in John Grisham's 'A Time to Kill'. A man whose daughter was brutally raped, attacked the rapists (who were good for nothing scum of society) with a M-16 and killed them. Do we blame him? To let him go would mean being inconsistent, leaving room for future 'abuse' of the system, but many a jury would be tempted to let him get on with his life. Of course in those stories, humanity triumphs and both the convicted people get away.
Question is, can this be allowed to happen? If it happens enough times, we cannot expect people to take the law seriously anymore, now can we? People will start asking 'what justice?'
I still think that the law is the most convenient form of conflict resolution that we have, even if there might be little problems here and there. I don't find 'lawyers go to hell' jokes all that funny. I suppose its a case of 'it might not be perfect, but if we didn't have it, we're all screwed'
Monday, December 04, 2006
Cars.
I am male and I'm studying Mechanical engineering. I must like cars. Thats the general stereotype that goes round, I suppose. I can't say that its very far off the mark. A lot of my classmates do like cars. Not me though, at least not in the way that they do.
I like cars for what they can do, not for what they are. In other words, I'm a driver, not a petrol head. I love driving. Can't say that I'm particularly good at it, but I enjoy it all the same. Driving alone, when I'm in the car, just me, the road and the car has proven to be quite effective at taking the edge off for me. I can't explain it, but I feel at peace when I'm driving like that. There haven't been many times when I needed the roads to keep me sane, but when I did need it, it provided me with a sense of calm. Funny thing is, my love for driving is very strongly attached to my love for manual transmission. Admittedly, if I drove in KL all the time, auto transmission would save my life. But taking traffic jams out of the picture, I really do like having the clutch. It gives driving the feel that it should have.
I like to drive, but the workings of a car do not interest me all that much. I have a rough idea how internal combustion works, but all the stuff that have been developed in the last 10 years baffle me. Active differentials, Continuously Variable Transmission, i-DSI, i-CTDi, VVT-i, VVTL-i, VVTL, VTC, Neo VVL, CVT. I have no idea what any of them do. Neither do I care.
Having said that, I do still find cars exciting to a point. I still see cars as more than a tool to help us get around. I can see myself buying a car the drives properly in the future. (Some might argue that all cars drive properly. What I mean is cars that don't take forever to get to speed and don't feel like they're going to kill you when you corner faster than 40 km/h). Type-R Civics and Golf GTIs come to mind, but thats a fantasy for a later point in my life. I wouldn't mind a Ferrari, but thats getting ahead of myself.
If I do buy a Ferrari, I will drive it. Not store it in the garage to be taken out every so often so that your friends can see how well off you are. Half the ingenuity of the car lies in the fact that you can use it everyday just a easily as any other commercial car. Making a car go fast is one thing. Making it fast and comfortable is a whole different ball game altogether.
If I really went berserk one day, this is the car I'll end up with. In my books now, this is the ultimate escape from reality. If something pisses me off or gets me depressed, driving this is one of the few things in the world that can make things a little less painful. That is of course assuming I don't get killed driving it.
I like cars for what they can do, not for what they are. In other words, I'm a driver, not a petrol head. I love driving. Can't say that I'm particularly good at it, but I enjoy it all the same. Driving alone, when I'm in the car, just me, the road and the car has proven to be quite effective at taking the edge off for me. I can't explain it, but I feel at peace when I'm driving like that. There haven't been many times when I needed the roads to keep me sane, but when I did need it, it provided me with a sense of calm. Funny thing is, my love for driving is very strongly attached to my love for manual transmission. Admittedly, if I drove in KL all the time, auto transmission would save my life. But taking traffic jams out of the picture, I really do like having the clutch. It gives driving the feel that it should have.
I like to drive, but the workings of a car do not interest me all that much. I have a rough idea how internal combustion works, but all the stuff that have been developed in the last 10 years baffle me. Active differentials, Continuously Variable Transmission, i-DSI, i-CTDi, VVT-i, VVTL-i, VVTL, VTC, Neo VVL, CVT. I have no idea what any of them do. Neither do I care.
Having said that, I do still find cars exciting to a point. I still see cars as more than a tool to help us get around. I can see myself buying a car the drives properly in the future. (Some might argue that all cars drive properly. What I mean is cars that don't take forever to get to speed and don't feel like they're going to kill you when you corner faster than 40 km/h). Type-R Civics and Golf GTIs come to mind, but thats a fantasy for a later point in my life. I wouldn't mind a Ferrari, but thats getting ahead of myself.
If I do buy a Ferrari, I will drive it. Not store it in the garage to be taken out every so often so that your friends can see how well off you are. Half the ingenuity of the car lies in the fact that you can use it everyday just a easily as any other commercial car. Making a car go fast is one thing. Making it fast and comfortable is a whole different ball game altogether.
If I really went berserk one day, this is the car I'll end up with. In my books now, this is the ultimate escape from reality. If something pisses me off or gets me depressed, driving this is one of the few things in the world that can make things a little less painful. That is of course assuming I don't get killed driving it.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
We are boring.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/6201292.stm
When we do make the international news, its because of things like this. If its not snake kings dying, its journalists calling us stupid or columnists commenting on racist slurs in our country. A bit depressing, really. You'd think that I'd be used to it by now.
When we do make the international news, its because of things like this. If its not snake kings dying, its journalists calling us stupid or columnists commenting on racist slurs in our country. A bit depressing, really. You'd think that I'd be used to it by now.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
They came back....
I came home today and saw this little book on the dining table. The title read 'Is there a creator?' My interest piqued instantly. The last time I saw something of that sort, Jehovah's witnesses had just visited my house. They had asked me if I believed in God. I told them I didn't know, which was a perfectly honest answer because I really didn't. That probably made their 'convert radar' blink really hard, but I didn't want to talk religion at that point in time. (I was standing on my porch sweeping the floor) So they gave me two booklets as food for thought and said they would be back. I never thought they would come back, but they did. Some people came by today and asked for a Mr. Siew. My mum told them that Mr. Siew is in Indonesia, which is true. How would my mum know that they were looking for me? They left this new booklet and left.
The last book was about maintaining a happy marriage. Yawn. Give that to me in about 15 years and I might actually read it. Read it now? Never mind. But this new book is interesting enough. I looked through it and didn't really like it. I have not written off creationism, but neither have I concluded that evolution is nonsense. To be honest, I do lean rather heavily towards evolution, but I am open to new ideas. I will not, however pick one side just because it can dig up lots of dirt about the theories that the other side has. Disproving a rival does not prove you right.
I have to admit, I am sorely tempted to start quoting from the booklet and giving my two cents about how some of the logic used is a little dodgy. But I won't. I will however look a little at my own views.
What exactly do I believe? I don't think I believe either side. I'm a fence sitter, waiting for one side to come up with enough evidence to pull me over. The question of where we come from is not quite important enough to me. One line in that book links quite strongly with my previous post about the point to life. It stated that if evolution was true, then there would be no meaning to life. I'd say that much is true. To evolution, we are a coincidence. Life just so happened to appear on our planet and life's only purpose would be the continuation of life. That is what I used the believe. I'm not too sure about that anymore.
As of now, I don't have the answers, so I won't form a belief. It sounds really cowardly, but in this case, I would rather be wishy washy. The last thing I want is to believe in something and then seek to prove it while categorically ignoring all evidence that points otherwise. Human beings have a tendency to do that. It is exactly that tendency that makes being a scientist so very difficult. If you start an experiment with certain results in mind, and look for those results, you are likely to find them. It doesn't prove a theory right, however. Bias is difficult to eliminate.
Thank God I'm not an evolutionary biologist.
The last book was about maintaining a happy marriage. Yawn. Give that to me in about 15 years and I might actually read it. Read it now? Never mind. But this new book is interesting enough. I looked through it and didn't really like it. I have not written off creationism, but neither have I concluded that evolution is nonsense. To be honest, I do lean rather heavily towards evolution, but I am open to new ideas. I will not, however pick one side just because it can dig up lots of dirt about the theories that the other side has. Disproving a rival does not prove you right.
I have to admit, I am sorely tempted to start quoting from the booklet and giving my two cents about how some of the logic used is a little dodgy. But I won't. I will however look a little at my own views.
What exactly do I believe? I don't think I believe either side. I'm a fence sitter, waiting for one side to come up with enough evidence to pull me over. The question of where we come from is not quite important enough to me. One line in that book links quite strongly with my previous post about the point to life. It stated that if evolution was true, then there would be no meaning to life. I'd say that much is true. To evolution, we are a coincidence. Life just so happened to appear on our planet and life's only purpose would be the continuation of life. That is what I used the believe. I'm not too sure about that anymore.
As of now, I don't have the answers, so I won't form a belief. It sounds really cowardly, but in this case, I would rather be wishy washy. The last thing I want is to believe in something and then seek to prove it while categorically ignoring all evidence that points otherwise. Human beings have a tendency to do that. It is exactly that tendency that makes being a scientist so very difficult. If you start an experiment with certain results in mind, and look for those results, you are likely to find them. It doesn't prove a theory right, however. Bias is difficult to eliminate.
Thank God I'm not an evolutionary biologist.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Which is it?
The involuntary visits to the stone etchings,
The peals of laughter that echo the caves,
The wafting smells that emerge from hither.
The searing flame that burns inside.
The minutes and hours in contemplation,
The tortured writhing in the middle of the night,
The unlikely fantasies that play in dreams,
The time spent under a blanket, eyes closed but not asleep.
Where do they come from?
The source is unknown and can never be found,
Is it the idea or object that brings forth the trouble?
Is it the concept or prototype that needles the mind?
That the cycle of hands will mend it all,
But it hasn’t and for good reason,
The missing chapters leave the story untold.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
An Eternal Question.
Why am I here? Funny question, really, one that I think about every now and then when I really need a distraction. Or when the need for it comes. My ready answer to this was generally quite pessimistic. There is no reason. I am here because my mum and dad decided that children might be a good idea. So here I am. I can't think of any other reason without delving into the realm of spirituality, which I will not do. This post would be completely pointless if I did that, since I'd have the answers already.
I suppose that question has a very close link to yet another question. What is my purpose in life? Is there a purpose to my life? At some point, I thought of myself as just another parasite on this planet, taking up resources and generally making a mess. But I came to realize that if I kept thinking that way, then I'd really see no point in having life on this planet to begin with. Because if I take the questioning further, I'd start asking if there was a point to life, and I think I'd reach the same conclusion. There is no point to life.
I started asking myself where I get these ideas from and I discovered one thing. There was only one parameter that I worked with in answering these questions. What is the impact that I (or any other variable) would have? Trying to find the point to my existence by seeking my significance to the world can only lead to one thing - The conclusion that in the end, there is no point to anything because you can keep zooming out further and further until the impact became so small, that its negligible. To my family, I am significant. To my friends, less so. To this country, even less. To the world, I might as well not exist. I can't begin to describe how insignificant I would be if you took it to the edge of the universe and looked at me from there. Our solar system is pointless in the eyes of the universe, if you use my analysis. (So is our galaxy for that matter.)
Which led me to wonder if my model is flawed. Or rather, is it something that I want to live by? I don't want the only reason for my continued survival on this world to be the fact that I am too scared to kill myself. With so many people out there with a zest for life, I'd be terribly narcissistic to write them all off as ignorant idiots who don't see the insignificance of their existence.
To change my opinion on something like that is not easy. Its like finding out that you have cancer and then trying to go back to a time when you didn't know. I don't have an alternative answer to that question, and until I do, this twisted view will persist. No one will ever be able to answer that for me. I suppose I'll just have to keep walking until I find that reason.
I suppose that question has a very close link to yet another question. What is my purpose in life? Is there a purpose to my life? At some point, I thought of myself as just another parasite on this planet, taking up resources and generally making a mess. But I came to realize that if I kept thinking that way, then I'd really see no point in having life on this planet to begin with. Because if I take the questioning further, I'd start asking if there was a point to life, and I think I'd reach the same conclusion. There is no point to life.
I started asking myself where I get these ideas from and I discovered one thing. There was only one parameter that I worked with in answering these questions. What is the impact that I (or any other variable) would have? Trying to find the point to my existence by seeking my significance to the world can only lead to one thing - The conclusion that in the end, there is no point to anything because you can keep zooming out further and further until the impact became so small, that its negligible. To my family, I am significant. To my friends, less so. To this country, even less. To the world, I might as well not exist. I can't begin to describe how insignificant I would be if you took it to the edge of the universe and looked at me from there. Our solar system is pointless in the eyes of the universe, if you use my analysis. (So is our galaxy for that matter.)
Which led me to wonder if my model is flawed. Or rather, is it something that I want to live by? I don't want the only reason for my continued survival on this world to be the fact that I am too scared to kill myself. With so many people out there with a zest for life, I'd be terribly narcissistic to write them all off as ignorant idiots who don't see the insignificance of their existence.
To change my opinion on something like that is not easy. Its like finding out that you have cancer and then trying to go back to a time when you didn't know. I don't have an alternative answer to that question, and until I do, this twisted view will persist. No one will ever be able to answer that for me. I suppose I'll just have to keep walking until I find that reason.
Saturday, November 18, 2006
Nasty Politics.
Bladewing was always going on and on about racial politics. Justice was important to him, and so he saw it fit to scream and kick when he saw an imbalance. Admittedly, his view of the situation was decidedly narrow. He eventually decided that imbalances happen all over the world, and just ranting in frustration isn't going to significantly change anything. (Yes, I know it sounds defeatist, but I decided that there are more mature ways of dealing with his frustrations.)
This blog has been largely devoid of political content. I just didn't feel that it was worth it putting what I thought into this space. All the racist comments that get published in the local dailies were noted, quietly insulted and allowed to pass. Sometimes I talked about it over lunch, but thats as far as I went.
But now I actually find myself being threatened. Racist comments from the recent political gathering has been defended as harmless rethoric. I quote "Reaksi orang Melayu panas tapi terkawal. Panas tak terbakar, Marah tak berkelahi".
Oh really? So all that kissing of the keris and the expectation to use the curved dagger is all harmless pomp as well? Somehow I am skeptical. The party in mention has always been portraying itself as the champion of the moderate Malay. So far, it seems like all they want to do is to gut everyone else who question their "constitutionally enshrined special rights". I feel vulnerable and insecure. Can I be blamed for feeling that way?
When threatened, there are two things that people do. Fight or flight. As of now, the latter seems like the better idea. And its happening already. As this prime minister gives way, as he eventually will, the edoxus will accelerate, and the Malaysia as I love will cease to exist.
Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Time will tell, but to be honest, I think I'm going to get ready while I wait.
This blog has been largely devoid of political content. I just didn't feel that it was worth it putting what I thought into this space. All the racist comments that get published in the local dailies were noted, quietly insulted and allowed to pass. Sometimes I talked about it over lunch, but thats as far as I went.
But now I actually find myself being threatened. Racist comments from the recent political gathering has been defended as harmless rethoric. I quote "Reaksi orang Melayu panas tapi terkawal. Panas tak terbakar, Marah tak berkelahi".
Oh really? So all that kissing of the keris and the expectation to use the curved dagger is all harmless pomp as well? Somehow I am skeptical. The party in mention has always been portraying itself as the champion of the moderate Malay. So far, it seems like all they want to do is to gut everyone else who question their "constitutionally enshrined special rights". I feel vulnerable and insecure. Can I be blamed for feeling that way?
When threatened, there are two things that people do. Fight or flight. As of now, the latter seems like the better idea. And its happening already. As this prime minister gives way, as he eventually will, the edoxus will accelerate, and the Malaysia as I love will cease to exist.
Maybe I'm just being paranoid. Time will tell, but to be honest, I think I'm going to get ready while I wait.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
The obsession.
The ironies of life are really quite cruel,
They singe at the soul, and yet remain darkly humourous,
To observe the parallels running in two different lives,
To see and do nothing, for none can be done.
The obsessions run deep, that is plain to see,
Both appear to function, but the signs are everywhere,
A single minded bug that refuses to let go,
In speech, in writing, in choice in life, it manifests.
I knew of my parasite for it is hard to ignore,
But to see it there as well, it’s the funniest thing,
The upturned lip was the first reaction,
What it meant is still rather a mystery.
Or it could have been hurt, hiding behind a silly façade,
It might have been sadism, for misery loves company,
Or maybe meek surrender to a hopeless cause.
Whatever it was, it needed release,
Hence this prose, this mangled piece of writing,
Hope burns eternal, but I wish it would snuff out,
For your sake and mine, the embers must die.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
The Olive Branch
The outposts are new, the timber freshly cut,
Supply wagons arrive still,
Weapons and food, nothing but,
Watchful eyes scan the horizon,
Patrols in armoured skirts walk the hills.
The visit to the
Experated, he returned home,
A war he did not want,
But a war is here, whether he liked it or not.
No change in action would change the reaction,
As much as he regrets being drawn into war,
His conscience is clear, from God he did not fear.
Though antagonized, he will stay his ground,
No javelins have been thrown, no sword yet swung,
And should by miracle, a chance should come,
The olive branch shall be offered, no questions asked.
Sunday, November 05, 2006
Photo from a taxi.
I was horsing around with the camera in Jakarta when I took this picture of children begging on the streets. They hang around traffic lights and when it turns red, they go make their rounds. Its actually one of the few times I went around Indonesia in a sedan and not a giant 4X4 jeep, so the children can actually reach the window. Taken during the Hari Raya period too.
Friday, November 03, 2006
And I thought I would fail.
Seriously, I thought I was going to fail Mechanics of Materials. I could barely answer half the paper, and needed the ones I did answer to be free of silly mistakes to pass. That was according to my calculations. But being hopeless in Math as I am, I completely miscalculated. I passed. With a nice grade to boot.
To give you an idea on how convinced I was that I was going to fail, I only had to say this. I knew I had a trip to Indonesia coming up. Land of the Hocus Pocus. I actually considered going to a witchdoctor in Indonesia to make myself pass. Yes, secular old me wanted to use black magic to pass a test. I eventually came to my senses, but I really was scared. (I look back at that time now and I laugh) I was thinking of all the consequences already, having to repeat the subject in the 1st sem next year. 6 subjects in Delta first sem is just not a prospect I relished. Supplementary papers are pretty pointless in Mechanical Engineering subjects. They make sure no one passes. I wouldn't have passed it even if it was a fairly set supp paper anyway. I knew very little about Mechanics of Materials. (Through no fault of my own....... Okay, maybe I was at fault a little, but the lecturer is still bad.) At one point, I think I became resigned to a fate of suffering through a heavy workload next year. I told myself that it wouldn't be too bad.
To make matters worse, engineering results came out a day late. As if the suspense wasn't bad enough, we had people telling us they had their results only to be completely frustrated that we can't see ours.
Well, I passed and thats the important bit. I'm not going to describe my reaction after I got my results. Its quite embarassing really.
To give you an idea on how convinced I was that I was going to fail, I only had to say this. I knew I had a trip to Indonesia coming up. Land of the Hocus Pocus. I actually considered going to a witchdoctor in Indonesia to make myself pass. Yes, secular old me wanted to use black magic to pass a test. I eventually came to my senses, but I really was scared. (I look back at that time now and I laugh) I was thinking of all the consequences already, having to repeat the subject in the 1st sem next year. 6 subjects in Delta first sem is just not a prospect I relished. Supplementary papers are pretty pointless in Mechanical Engineering subjects. They make sure no one passes. I wouldn't have passed it even if it was a fairly set supp paper anyway. I knew very little about Mechanics of Materials. (Through no fault of my own....... Okay, maybe I was at fault a little, but the lecturer is still bad.) At one point, I think I became resigned to a fate of suffering through a heavy workload next year. I told myself that it wouldn't be too bad.
To make matters worse, engineering results came out a day late. As if the suspense wasn't bad enough, we had people telling us they had their results only to be completely frustrated that we can't see ours.
Well, I passed and thats the important bit. I'm not going to describe my reaction after I got my results. Its quite embarassing really.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
A silly little gripe.
I was glancing through the newspapers yesterday when I came across the report about some politician in Klang and how he is currently embroiled in contraversy. I can't remember his name and his exact designation off hand because political scandals tend to be a bit boring to me.
I kept flipping and somewhere in the 'NEWS' section of the paper was an article by this Feng Shui master who went to this fallen politician to give him some advice. This master is a regular columist in the Star and decided that the dude could use a little help. Funnily enough, the politician listened. And I thought Muslims did not believe in this kind of stuff.
Anyway, that isn't the main issue. What I found slightly disturbing is the fact that the Star printed it in the News section of the newspaper. While I'm not a particularly avid practicioner of Feng Shui, I do respect the right for people to believe in it. You can have your column and write all the books you want, I'm not going to say anything. But to put that article in a section that is meant for factual reports seems a little off to me. I see Feng Shui as a lifestyle. In this society, a little like religon. Some people believe it, some don't. I can't quite understand why the article has to be in the news section when he could have quite easily saved the story for his column.
I know its a stupid gripe. I guess I expected too much form the Star. I've been told that its tabloidish and that it isn't much of a newspaper. I guess they were right then. The Star is becoming a lifestyle magazine.
I kept flipping and somewhere in the 'NEWS' section of the paper was an article by this Feng Shui master who went to this fallen politician to give him some advice. This master is a regular columist in the Star and decided that the dude could use a little help. Funnily enough, the politician listened. And I thought Muslims did not believe in this kind of stuff.
Anyway, that isn't the main issue. What I found slightly disturbing is the fact that the Star printed it in the News section of the newspaper. While I'm not a particularly avid practicioner of Feng Shui, I do respect the right for people to believe in it. You can have your column and write all the books you want, I'm not going to say anything. But to put that article in a section that is meant for factual reports seems a little off to me. I see Feng Shui as a lifestyle. In this society, a little like religon. Some people believe it, some don't. I can't quite understand why the article has to be in the news section when he could have quite easily saved the story for his column.
I know its a stupid gripe. I guess I expected too much form the Star. I've been told that its tabloidish and that it isn't much of a newspaper. I guess they were right then. The Star is becoming a lifestyle magazine.
Saturday, October 28, 2006
To Indonesia and back.
One week in Indonesia. Half in urban Jakarta, the other half in not so urban Samarinda. I could give you a blow by blow account of what happened, but I don't think I will. A week in Indonesia visiting my dad is by no measure a earth shattering event.
So here's the short version. Day one, shopping, sleep, shopping. Day two, pretty much the same. Repeat for day three. Day four, fly to Samarinda. Once there, drive around for a bit, visit dad's workplace, watch a bunch of movies.
Fly back to Malaysia. Yep, thats pretty much all there was to it. Not to say that it wasn't fun though.
So here's the short version. Day one, shopping, sleep, shopping. Day two, pretty much the same. Repeat for day three. Day four, fly to Samarinda. Once there, drive around for a bit, visit dad's workplace, watch a bunch of movies.
Fly back to Malaysia. Yep, thats pretty much all there was to it. Not to say that it wasn't fun though.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Shangri La.
Like so many before me, I seek it,
To reverse what cannot go back,
To ask sand to defy gravity,
To flip the gears that tick and tock.
It is youthful exuberance they seek,
The supple limb, perfect sight,
The beauty that came and went,
The health that was taken for granted.
But one might ask why I should seek that,
I have reached my peak and I've never been stronger,
There is nothing to go back to,
Nothing to improve.
That which I seek is similar but not the same,
I know so little, yet I know so much,
I never took the journey, I merely arrived,
But what I need now is to take that ride.
So I seek the elixir for the lease of life,
To stop being 'wise' and to open my eyes.
To reverse what cannot go back,
To ask sand to defy gravity,
To flip the gears that tick and tock.
It is youthful exuberance they seek,
The supple limb, perfect sight,
The beauty that came and went,
The health that was taken for granted.
But one might ask why I should seek that,
I have reached my peak and I've never been stronger,
There is nothing to go back to,
Nothing to improve.
That which I seek is similar but not the same,
I know so little, yet I know so much,
I never took the journey, I merely arrived,
But what I need now is to take that ride.
So I seek the elixir for the lease of life,
To stop being 'wise' and to open my eyes.
Monday, October 16, 2006
State of Fear.
Good book. I'm naturally a Michael Crichton fan, and I'm probably biased. But, yes, it is a good book. Anyone who wants to read it needs only to ask.
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