Why we love.

Okay. Everyone of you who snorted when you read the title of the post, slap yourselves now. Done? Lets move on...

I bought and read the book Why we love written by Helen Fisher, one of the leading anthropologists in the world. To be honest, the book was a little dry, and unless you have a keen interest, you probably shouldn't read it. But an evolutionary insight to arguably one of the most celebrated aspects of our culture is always exciting (to me, at least).

So, why do we love? It took Dr. Fisher one whole book to explain it, and I really don't think I can satisfactorily summarize the book in one post. But I can tell you some interesting stuff. Men will always think about sex, and women will always be money grubbers. Both these traits have been the butt of jokes, but they remain true. And they are there for a reason. Thousands of years of evolution have forced men and women into different roles, and to maximize their chance of survival, we have developed those traits. I think the reason for those traits being there are quite self evident, so I won't patronize you by telling you what they are. All of us know this. There is a difference between what I used to believe and what I believe in now.

Before this, I thought those traits were tendencies. Now, I know that they are hardwired somewhere in our genes. It means that whatever we do, short of genetic engineering ourselves, there is no running away from these stereotypes.

She says that women are programmed to look for successful mates. Mates that can support them, and provide for them, even when they don't need providing for. This is where Helen Fisher's ideas stop, and where mine come in. How many times have you read articles written by young successful women lamenting about how hard it is to find a good man. They always say that the good ones are always either taken or gay. Well, of course they are, especially if your definition of good is 'earns more than you'. Think about it for a while. You earn $400,000 a year, live in a million dollar apartment, and drive a BMW. Okay, those figures are a tad exaggerated, but the idea is there. How many guys around your age do you think are as successful as you are? Maybe its better to look at it in percentages. Assume you are the in the top 10% of young professional women when it comes to income per annum. To simplify things, lets also assume that all men and women are equal and that only the top 10% of men will be able to match your earning power. You are genetically predispositioned to exclude the other 90% from your potential husbands. That is a hell of a lot of men. Is it all that surprising that you have such a hard time now?

The higher a woman climbs, the harder it is for her to find someone that she will consider good enough for her. They are programmed to look up, not down. People say to leaders, 'It is lonely at the top'. That is all the more true for women, in a totally different context.

We can look at this and tell ourselves that true love will overcome all these obstacles. We can think about fate, and all the other romantic ideals that poets and the like have spawned over the centuries. But ask yourselves honestly, when you think about a highly successful woman in a relationship with a man that can never hope to match her achievements, what do you think of? Do you get this strange sensation that something isn't right? Thats your genetic programming talking. There is no fighting it, true love or not.

So what can be done? I don't know. The options I can see all involve compromise. A lot of women have quit their positions to become mothers. Sure, the excuse that they want to take care of the kids is perfectly believable, but think of the fallout if the woman continues and earns more than the husband. Men are programmed to be heroes as much as women are programmed to look for rich hubbies. (the stupider males pull off deadly stunts) To deny them the right to be the hero of the family would be a cruel blow. This has nothing to do with male ego. This cannot be controlled, and much as we would like to think that it is.

Or the women can choose to lower their standards and choose men from outside the income bracket that their genes have predetermined. The above problem will rise again, and the happiness of both the man and the woman are at stake. But it is possible to override these primordial needs. It requires a hell of a lot of will, a deep understanding of what you are doing and a thick skin in the face of snide remarks that will inevitably come.

Sometimes, I do pity you superwomen. Your talent could very well be a double edged sword.