The cycle of depression.

A bit of self analysis for this post.

I need to study. But I'm too depressed to study. But it is because I am not studying that I become depressed. See the quandrary here? I call it my very own cycle of depression.

Trying to get out of it takes a lot of effort. Picking up mathematics reminds me of the subtopics that I cannot understand, but must understand. Every other subject (execpt maybe moral) has the same problem.

I actually spent a fair amount of time trying to go back to sleep so that I can resume my dream after my nap. It wasn't even a particularly good dream. I can't really remember what it was about, but I distinctly remember something roasting over a fire. Nothing particularly inspiring, but I wanted to be there. I feel like running away from this that badly.

Exams really piss me off. At this moment I write this, I actually don't feel too adverse to picking up my notes. Better get to it while it lasts.

Letting nature run its course.

I never really believed in the concept of fate. If you want something to happen, you work towards it. Sometimes it turns out the way you want it to, sometimes it doesn't. I just find it a little hard to accept the fact that it is already pre-written somewhere how the rest of my, or someone else's life will turn out.

Which explains why I like to take the bull by its horns. Sure, if I leave the bull, there is always the possiblity that it will calm down all by itself. But if it doesn't? And if I didn't do anything about it? Wouldn't it be my fault that the fence got broken and the neighbour's vegetables got trampled? I'd have to bear full responsibility.

That is how life was. See problem, fix problem. A stitch in time saves nine, remember? Well, it really isn't that easy anymore. Subtlety is sometimes called for, and somehow, I think I have managed to subdue the impulse to jump in and do something. It isn't easy mind you, but somehow, it seems to me that some things just need to unwind by themselves. Moderation is required, naturally. I'm not about to completely let go and see what happens. If the bull strays too near the fence, then I might have to do something. But if it doesn't it might just make more sense for me and the bull to let nature run its course.

Relativity in writing.

Its the nature of my bloggin style to write whatever it is that is most relevent to me at this moment. Whatever thoughts are dominant tend to find their way here. But I can't write what I'm feel anymore. I had quite a day yesterday. Spent it almost entirely at home, but still was quite a day. Ah, the wonders of the internet.

What I am about to write is almost insignificant, but they remain my thoughts nonetheless. First, Liverpool have found their scoring boots again. That new Dutch dude is really starting to fit into the grand scheme of things. I am normally quite interested in the progression of the EPL, but somehow, this season feels like a drab one to me.

Golf. I normally avoid it like a plague, but its the Ryder cup! The best of Europe battle the best of the States. On paper, the States would whoop ass. But the Europeans have been consistently beating them for quite some time. And it looks like this time, its going to be the same. The only reason I follow this is because I like to see the underdog win. And world ranking wise, Europe is the underdog. I hardly know the players at all; all i do is look at the score. Europe leads by three. Brill.

Democracy has just been dealt a blow with the coup in Thailand, but the PM had it coming. Hopefully, the army will keep its promise and elect a new PM within 2 weeks. We already have a junta in South East Asia, and we're not proud of it. We don't need another.

PS3 prices being cut by 20 percent. Not really relevant to me since I'm not going to be buying it anyway. But the battle between Sony and Microsoft is always interesting. The X-box drew first blood. Lets see how Sony responds.

There is probably a lot going on in the world that I'm not keeping tabs on. Shame on me really, some debater I am.

The street.

I stand on the pavement,
Looking down the street,
Grey clouds hang overhead,
Stiff winds blow at my feet.

The list is in my hand,
I know what needs to be done,
But I just can't help standing there,
Watching people walk and run.

The people go past me,
Some are familiar, some are not,
Some smile, some give me a curt nod,
They say how do you do, but do it through thought.

The day is late, and I know I must start,
There is a task at hand that needs seeing through,
Though I try to keep troubles and tasks apart,
Their merger happens, whether I like it or not.

The poem pretty much sums up my day.

Memoir 44

Its not the first time I've played the boardgame, but today is the first time I actually got a kind of high from it. I mean what kind of guy who even has a passing interest in WW2 will not relish simulating Ohama Beach? Medal of Honour provided that before. Now I get to live the glory as general.

The map was quite accurate, really. The axis were all holed up in their bunkers on cliffs. The allies were on the beach, storming the front. I thought I as going to lose as the Allies and change the course of history. Heh. I didn't. Managed to overrun General Adrain in the middle of the field and just meet my win condition. I'm not going to get into the technicalities of the game right now, but I can say that its brilliant. Apart from the fact that tanks can't just roll over infantry that is.

If any of you out there want a game, come to the DICE meetings. Its fairly easy to learn, and once you get it set up, its a fairly fast paced game. Doesn't last too long (not like Risk). And its really tactical. A lot of combat math. But your fate is still in the hands of the dice. Heh.

Panic stations

Yep. Finals coming, and I have a shit load to cover. Last semester was the hardest I have ever worked in my life. This time, I might actually outdo myself again. (To be frank, there is a lot of room to work with. Even last semester, I slacked a bit).

I was staying out at that point in time. I spent nights in the library with my books, sometimes studying, sometimes staring out of the corner of my eye. (Some of you know what I'm talking about, the rest of you don't really matter that much =P). Anyway, while I cannot be sure that my stay outside had anything to do with my grades, I'm willing to bet that studying around campus during study week does change things. For one, I don't get much studying at home. With the bed and computer around, it really shouldn't be that surprising. Plus, at home, I don't have any peer pressure to study. Heh. Nothing gives me the mood to study like seeing a coursemate hitting the books. Call it kiasu or whatever you like, that just how I work.

So, I'm moving out for a week. I asked my mum and she said yes, surprisingly. So I'll most probably be over at Adrian's place for study week. Hopefully, the two of us can provide each other with a sense of urgency. I don't want a long string of 'B's!

Writing.

Writing has never quite meant as much to me as it does now. I have never actually found the need for expression. I wrote because I wanted to. Now I actually find that writing is almost a necessity.

For me now, writing isn't so much a form of release as it is a form of expression. I can't keep things inside. Its just not me. I need to let it out. Smashing things around me is an option. But I find writing a lot less destructive and easy on the physical self.

This blog is one way. I needed another. So I found another. Rummaging through my cupboard, I found this nice hard cover book. Completely empty. 120 pages of blank lines for me to fill.

And so I have a journal. Its not a diary. I don't just write anything in there. Its not a place for me to rant about how lame studying is.

And writing, as in literally writing, is something I haven't done in a while. Typing out your thoughts just doesn't seem to be able to put it down quite as well. I could quite easily have created a new private blog that no one knows about. But I decided that writing would be more fulfilling. And so far, I think I'm right. But thats just me, a traditionalist in that sense. I never did take to technology the way most of my generation has.

Sir Knight.

Plate mail is heavy and cubersome, that much Davion would admit. But he felt that it was worth it, not because it protected him, but because it made him look grand. He loved the way he looked in full armour. He particularly liked the way light glinted off his polished breastplate if he ever caught a ray of light on it. He felt indestructible in his armour.

Which is why he stood at the cave entrance, smiling at the prospect of taking on the inhabitant of the dark hole. He had heard stories about the dragon before. He heard that it was a fearsome creature that could spew great globs of acid. He heard that the beast was 10 houses high and had a wingspan of 5 wheat fields. But he wasn't afraid of the dragon. Oh, no. Davion had a secret weapon. He knew the dragon's weakness. It was dimwitted. Slow to react. Sluggish.

Davion knew that he was fast enough to take it on. He felt confident that with his prowess, he could walk in and out without so much as a scratch. He dreamt of the glory that would come with it. From now on, his name will be announced in the royal court with the title 'Dragonbane' and every squire would want to be in his service. Every fair maiden would swoon before him. Most of all, he would inherit the dragon hoard. Treasures worth a hundred kings' ransoms. Gold, gems, enchanted weapons, magic tomes, you name it. It would be all his.

His moment with destiny had arrived. He stepped into the cave, lighting his torch as he went. Strangely enough, the cave was a single passage leading further and further inwards. No network of tunnels as he was used to seeing. Soon enough, he reached the dragon's cavern. Vileix was sleeping, sitting upon his horde like a hen tending to her eggs. Davion grinned. Killing her now would be easy, but not so much fun. He wanted glory, to take it down in battle.

So he banged his sword against his shield, challenging the dragon to mortal combat. He made a fair amount of noise, but Vileix didn't respond. Davion hit harder, but still nothing. Eventually, getting annoyed at the dragon, Davion thrust his weapon into the dragon's foot.

Now, that got the dragon's attention. But she didn't wake. The toe that he poked twitched and slammed him right in the chest, sending him flying across the cavern. The last thing he could remember was the sound of his spine snapping as he hit the cave wall. The dragon never did wake up.

(Heh. Fantasy with a twist of cynicism.)

I'll be waiting

Its not easy to write something,
And not say what is meant to be said,
To have to cloak my meaning,
For fear of this and that,

But write I will for it releases me,
Self expression is my anesthetic,
And though it wears off, given time,
I can always take another shot.

For now, confusion still clouds me,
Explanations elude my grasp,
I am scared, I am insecure,
But most of all, I am pining.

There is so much I might impulsively do,
In this current state of mind,
Only to make things worse,
To push things a little too far.

I know not where the line is,
And so I dare not move,
The slightest twitch could trigger an avalanche,
Sealing me in an icy tomb.

So the only thing I can do is wait,
Its difficult, but its all that I got,
For I still cling onto the last vestige of hope,
That last slender glimmer of light.

I've been meaning to tell you this all this while,
Only to see chance after chance slip away,
So if you do read this,
Know that I'm here, and I'll be waiting.

Leave the rays alone!

People are killing stingrays to avenge Steve Irwin's death. At least thats what the authorities believe is happening. Yea, sure, you loved the guy. He was quite something, I have to admit. But for the love of God, don't go killing stingrays and chopping their tails off just because one of them killed Steve in self defense.

Its not their fault that Irwin's dead. Heck, even if you did find that one muderous ray, I couldn't blame it either. If you trailed it in court, I'm pretty sure it would walk away scot-free (largely because its fairly easy to prove that it was hard-wired to defend itself in the event of danger, but whatever, thats not the point). Accidents happen, sometimes there is nothing to blame. Don't take it out on the stingrays.

The test results..

Are a complete mystery. Yep, he told us some of us got zero. About 20 of us actually. Some got 100, no surprise there. And he wouldn't release the marks. He will not tell us how much we got. But he is giving us a second chance. We are supposed to answer 10 questions and submit them to him. Marks from that will replace out test marks, whichever is higher.

This is like the second time this semester that the mechanical engineering lecturers have had to give us some sort of make up test to keep that failure rates down. The first was for Mechanics of Materails. Then dynamics. If we fail, we fail together.

Which brings me to another point. My friend made an observation that us mechanical engineering students are a lot more united than our electronic friends. If one fellow in class has solved an assignment, pretty much everyone gets a copy. Apparently, in electronics, its every group to itself. We know each other a little better. Of course, there is a reason for that. Our batch is small, and we can all fit into one class. We have all our lectures together. It kinda makes sense that we know each other just a little bettter.

But I just think that we don't really know each other all that well. Granted, there are about 150 students in my class, but I figuired that I should be able to name most of them by now. But I can't. The little chinese cliques are completely alien to me. And they make up a pretty significant part of the class. Maybe it does have something to do with the size of the class, I don't know.

Its only recently that I began to realize that the mechanical engineers in my class are a pretty cool bunch of people. Yeah, we're all guys in the group, but it really isn't half bad. At least we don't have to wacth out mouths before we spew some vile joke that would be very inappropriate in the presence of a girl. I almost forgot how much fun guy talk is.

Nightmare of a test.

L!m is nuts. Seriously, he is. We got a paper he set today and it literally blew us away. 25 questions, 20 objective, 5 structured. 5 marks per correct objective questions, -2 per wrong objective question. Yes, it is possible to get a negative total. We have a choice, finishing all the objective questions will give us 100%. Or we can try the structured questions for 30 marks each. We can get a grand total of 250 marks out of 100, any extra over the 100 point goes to our bonus.

Sounds easy? My arse. That was one test where studying or not wouldn't have made any difference. He let us bring a cheat sheet (half an A4 with anything we want to write on it) in and proudly declared that it would be useless. He was right. Having the textbook beside us wouldn't have helped much either.

The questions were hard in a non-conventional sense. Its like the whole paper was set around the 'million and one things you didn't know about dynamics' theme. Its obvious that he ripped them off a book. And one of the questions actually had the cheek to to tell us that it was hard and that we might want to skip it.

Near the end of the class, he said "Don't copy your freinds la. They also all guessing." He knew that we wouldn't be able to do it. He just knew it.

I'm not sure if i want to laugh or cry at this moment. My friend got so pissed that he crumpled his cheat sheet and flung it at L!m. I almost could guess that L!m was going to do something like that, so I didn't really study that hard. Heh.

No direction, but no matter..

I have a number of things to express but most are not really post worthy. Normally at least, but today is a bit different.

A kind of calmness has finally come about. I've had better, but with reference to the last few days, I've finally come to a fairly uneventful phase. Release works. Thankfully, I've had the people around me to help me do that. You have my thanks. I'm not going to name any names here, but you know who you are. Some of you probably don't read this blog anyway, but who cares?

I had this status message that read "I'm like a pendulum". Not quite true, as someone pointed out. Pendulums are fairly predicatable, under normal operation at least. They oscillate in a fairly unspectacular manner. I am more like a gas molecule, under Brownian motion. One minute I'm flying in one direction, the next I'm going in an alltogether different one. I've solidified since then I suppose. I'm now vibrating on the spot (If you've had any experience with physical chemistry at all, you'd know what I mean). I've had people who had ample supply of liquid nitrogen to help with that. I've already mentioned that but I feel a bit of redundancy is called for tonight, I think.

A good number of people I know watch House M.D. , which is why I'm using the episodes for better imagery. One of his patients was a masochist who hired a dominatrix. At some point in the episode, the woman actually tried to explain to House why the patient did what he did. I'm paraphrasing, but what she said something along the lines of "When you can learn to trust someone completely, it changes you." If we can learn to put our fate in someone else's hands, our perspective changes. If my mum knew what I'm thinking right now, she will probably sit me down and give me a lecture about life. And she'd be right to do it. This goes against every rule I've set down. But its my life, and I'm entitled to do what I wish with it. I shall have faith. Should the faith be misplaced, then so be it. It is a risk I am willing to take.

Sure, if it blows up, then Brownian motion will become an atom being split in half by a neutron and I'll have a nuclear fallout to deal with. I know that. I just don't really care. I'll ask for the yellow suits when I need them.

Inifinite loop.

I'm not much of a programmer, but I do know what infinite loops are. And right about now, I am in one. Thinking about it will not bring me anywhere. But I cannot not do it. Its a kind of numbness that I simply cannot ignore.

Its really quite difficult to write this post it might make things worse. So I implore all of you, on my knees, to back off. I don't know what happened, and I have no idea how it happened. I'm sure there are lots of theories. Don't bother. Just back off. Seriously. I am in no position to give anything in return nor do I have any bargaining chip to speak off. Thats why I ask for mercy.

Right now I need to function. I could drown myself in a sea of work, doing endless tutorial questions. At least thats the plan. I need to distract myself. I need to stop thinking. Because thinking isn't fun. Its quite the opposite.

Merdeka spirit?

Every merdeka day, we hear lectures about national unity. Every single year we are told that it is important. One really funny thing that I noticed is that a lot of Malaysian political parties are formed to protect the rights of their own people. So if every politician spews racial propaganda for political leverage, how are we going to ever achieve unity?

It might seem like I have a problem with UMNO with the number of posts I have aimed squarely at them. Maybe I do. And this post is no different. When Mr. Khairy accused the non-bumis of taking advantage of the Malays when they are weak, he got a very strong response from MCA. Strangely enough, he also got a lot of support from within UMNO. A lot of people were telling him not to apologise. Being an ultra malay is fine. Uh... right.

Sure, you can say that the comment were for Malay ears only and not directed at the non-bumis, but really, I don't think such a thing has a place at all in anyone's political agenda. Its bad enough that we have the older generation instilling racial paranoia in the young by teaching and then reinforcing racial streotypes. Having the political leaders do the same is only going to make things worse.

The chinese can never do such a thing. Can you imagine a MCA leader accusing the Malays of being fatasses who leech off chinese wealth? It will be suicide. But thats besides the point. I can speak from a chinese perspective because I am chinese. I've heard chinese use terms like 'malai chu' or malay pig all the time. I've been called a pig by malays too. And infidel. That one is a favourite.

Name calling and accusation hurts. It causes resentment and builds upon the negative feelings that the stereotypes already cause. So I really can't help but to feel that all the talk about racial unity really is just talk. Nothing more. If they don't practice what they preach, they can't really expect anything to change now can they?

Pull tea column and why I love it.

I love sarcasm. That probably a major understatement on my part. Whatever. I do appeciate a certain level of intended condensention in a piece of writing. Which is why I love the teh tarik column that pops up once in a while in the Star. It highlights things that I missed when I skim through the papers everyday.

This week's agenda? A politician endorsing mat rempits and RM 48 million being spent on customs officer's uniforms. I had no idea such things had happened, really. So I went to the online archives and found the article on the rempits. Apparently, these biker dudes are misunderstood and are one of our country's biggest assets. They claim that their patriotism has been misrepresented. Well, let me clear things up a bit. There is a world of difference between crazy flag waving dudes on bikes and illegal street racers. If they want to wave the Malaysian flag around once a year in huge convoys then so be it. But what we cannot have are these illegal racers zooming about civilian cars in the middle of the night. Here's a description of what its like. You driving in your car and you are suddenly surrounded by a bunch of asmathic sounding bikes screaming for all their little engines are worth. They taunt you. They get a high from almost causing an accident. They scream "whoohooooo". I think you get the picture.

What kind of lunatic will hope that these people will one day lead out country? How compeletly misguided do you have to be to make such a statement? I know appealing to your voter base is important, but endorsing organized crime? Come on. You are the Putera UMNO chairman for the love of God. I'm supposed to be able to look at you and say that I respect you.

Oh, and then there is the issue of RM48 million for uniforms. 700 bucks for a baton? Why the hell do you need a bloody baton in the first place? And seriously, I would have thought that such a scandal once exposed would have created an uproar. Did we see one? Nope. Nada. Zilch. These people are going to get away with a little slap on the wrist. Or if there is going to be some real investigation, we will never know about the outcome. Because the government always has to be in control. Sigh.

If any of you are interested.

Mat Rempit our assets.
http://thestar.com.my/news/story.asp?file=/2006/8/31/nation/15296976&sec=nation

Teh Tarik column
http://thestar.com.my/lifestyle/story.asp?file=/2006/9/2/lifefocus/15281785&sec=lifefocus